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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Sh*t, I looked like SH*T!

If I sounded like I've been such a tough cookie lately, it's because you couldn't see me.  I cried, like, all the time.  I cried while typing on my computer, I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the middle of a conversation with my daughter's dance teacher, I cried while reading Joyce Meyer's Never Give Up, I cried watching my daughter played, I cried seeing the door to my old bedroom, and just the other day, I've even managed to cry while I was taking a dump.  Amazing how I was suddenly able to multi-task.  That coming from someone who thought she couldn't breathe and blink at the same time.

I looked just as bad.  I hardly looked at myself in the mirror these days, I didn't comb my hair (sometimes having really short hair did help), I was in my pajamas until it's time to take a shower and put on another pajamas, and I haven't gone out of the house for days...  I did notice, though, that going bra-less for days  really felt kick-ass liberating!

Another thing I've been doing of late was lying.  I've lied so much, I could go to hell just for this week alone.  I lied when Ms. Lips and Ms. Mouthy texted me and asked me how I was doing (I'm doing great! Uh, one big fat lie), I lied to my daughter when she asked me why my eyes were teary (Mommy's sleepy, so Mommy's been yawning), I lied to myself the most, every single time I told myself that I was alright.

So no, I'm really not a tough cookie at all.  I feel like sh*t, look like sh*t, thought about a lot of sh*tty things, and basically have been doing sh*t (read: nothing) so far.

But I allow myself that.  I have to, or I'd go insane.  I've never been good at pretending.  My face is like one of those lighted billboards in the middle of Times Square: there's now way you'd miss seeing what's written there.  One look at me, and you'd know I've got a lot of sh*t in my mind.  Add to that my tendency to look bitchy without even trying.  Not a good combination, really.  It's the kind that might scare little children away and give them nightmares.  Maybe it's a good thing I've been staying away from public places.

How much sh*t can a person endure, I wonder?  I figure must be a whole lotta because it certainly felt like I've been buried to the hilt two months ago, and yet the sh*t just kept on coming and... holy f*cking SH*T! it looks like I've got to make room for some more! 

I've been looking at the requirements for medical schools in the UK, and I felt ancient!  I didn't know they actually have a term for prospective students like me (those whose last time in school was at least a decade ago) and it's called "mature."  Mature, ha!  And it looked like I would have to take the full 6 year-course at the very least, and that is if I manage to score high on UKCAT exam and complete my applications by October 15th, 2011.  Oh, and that is for those who have a science degree.  Mine is arts.

Sooo 2011 2012 it is! But seriously, am gonna make it there, dammit! 

In the meantime, I just have to get my sh*t together. 

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