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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1
Whenever I'm pissed-off at my husband, my grown-up mind likes to conjure up imaginary--not to mention ingenious, if I do say so myself--ways to get even. I could be sitting prim and proper in front of him having dinner, while in my head, I would be kicking his bloody arse left and right, kung-fu style. What's not to like, eh?
In all these hypothetical situations, I'd like to call the heroine (me, that is) 'Unstoppable Jade Fox of Brilliant Mind,' and the villain (that would be my husband, of course) 'Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals.'
Behold followers, I impart to you some of the mighty moves in my Book of "How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws."** The first part concentrates primarily on the main villain, whereas Part 2 would pretty much take care of his remaining sidekicks.
**Please do not do this at home. Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws). In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.
1) I call this move "The Roaring Ambush Fright."
Damage: nerve damage, temporary blood stoppage to brain, eardrum busted.
Result: victim may go into a fit or delirium.
You would need at least three alarm clocks for this. The louder they are, the better. You can also mix and match. To give you some ideas on the different types of alarm clocks you can use, I've found this perfect article: 11 Alarm Clocks to Wake the Living Dead, by Kavita Mathur.
Once you have the alarm clocks of your choice, set the timer of each clock to go off within 5 minutes of each other, starting from the loudest one. Place them around the room, each one strategically placed just beyond your husband's reach, just after he fell asleep.
In the morning, make sure you're up before those alarms are set to go off. Pretend to be busy in the kitchen or if you have the option to be out of the house, even better. Don't forget to repeat the above steps every other day.
2) The "Dreaded Flash Forehead" move.
Damage: crushed self-image, loss of chutzpah.
Result: victim will seek immediate hair treatment.
Take pictures of his bald spot, making sure that each one is as vivid and graphic as possible. Taped them onto his bathroom mirror. You can also use red marker to circle and draw arrows to further emphasize certain areas with the most hair loss.
>3) "The Ancient Moon Crush" move.
Damage: spastic movements of Adam's apple, temporary loss of speech, bruised ego. Result: victim may either go into a jealous fit or straight to a divorce court.
Constantly reminisce about "the one who got away." Create a scrapbook for your exes and decorate them with words like "true love never dies" or "I wish you weren't in my dreams." Frame them and put them around the flat screen TV.
4) The "Double Ox Lift" move.
Damage: loss of breath, extreme embarrassment, crushed ego.
Result: victim may be the subject of office jokes or permanently quit his job.
Buy your husband a support bra for his birthday. Then throw him a surprise party at the office. Ask him to unwrap his present in front of his colleagues. Shout "Surprise!!! They're for your man-boobs!!!" Don't forget to record the special occasion, and make sure you zoom-in on his face with your video cam.
5) The "Invisible Shield" move.
Damage: shrinkage of the testicles, blood stoppage to groin area.
Result: victim may go into a fit or erectile dysfunction.
Insist on wearing a blindfold whenever you're having sex. Tell him you don't want his face to ruin your "fantasies." If you want to add insult to injury, you can also listen to you iPod while you're at it.
6) The "Mighty Wiener Chop" move.
Damage: severely broken or bruised ego.
Result: victim may try to enroll in penis enlargement program or seek immediate surgery. Obsession with rulers may ensue.
Refer to your husband's male organ as "Timi the little Pecker." Invite your in-laws for dinner, and ask them if "Timi the Little Pecker" is a hereditary thing.
7) The "Deceptive Mist Hammer" move.
Damage: bruised or broken nose, teeth knocked out, possible black eye.
Result: sudden loss of sleep, mental disorientation.
When your husband is sleeping soundly, pretend you were asleep and then "accidentally" whack him in the face.
8) The "Whooping Hunger Strike" move.
Damage: hunger pangs, gastric problems, foul mood.
Result: victim may hyperventilate, but could remedy the situation easily by calling take-outs.
Prepare dinner for the kids only. When your husband asks where is his dinner, tell him you think he needs to go on a diet anyway.
9) The "Drunken Fairy Slap" move.
>Damage: lump in throat and difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, bulging neck veins and arteries.
Result: victim may go into a fit and/or suffer terrible nightmares.
"Accidentally" call your husband by the name of your old flame. Repeat several times a day.
10) The "Defensive Wind Spirit" move.
Damage: nausea, gagging, general discomfort.
Result: victim may be unable to breath, or knocked out for several minutes.
Make a habit of farting under the blanket. To help you deliver the most potent kind of gas, here's a list of things you can eat to prepare for your big night: baked beans, brussel sprouts, cheese, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins.
Read part 2 here...