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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1

Whenever I'm pissed-off at my husband, my grown-up mind likes to conjure up imaginary--not to mention ingenious, if I do say so myself--ways to get even.  I could be sitting prim and proper in front of him having dinner, while in my head, I would be kicking his bloody arse left and right, kung-fu style.  What's not to like, eh?

In all these hypothetical situations, I'd like to call the heroine (me, that is) 'Unstoppable Jade Fox of Brilliant Mind,' and the villain (that would be my husband, of course) 'Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals.'

Behold followers, I impart to you some of the mighty moves in my Book of "How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws."**  The first part concentrates primarily on the main villain, whereas Part 2 would pretty much take care of his remaining sidekicks.  
**Please do not do this at home.  Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws).  In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.

1)  I call this move "The Roaring Ambush Fright."  
Damage: nerve damage, temporary blood stoppage to brain, eardrum busted. 
Result: victim may go into a fit or delirium.
You would need at least three alarm clocks for this.  The louder they are, the better.  You can also mix and match.  To give you some ideas on the different types of alarm clocks you can use, I've found this perfect article: 11 Alarm Clocks to Wake the Living Dead





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Damage: spastic movements of Adam's apple, temporary loss of speech, bruised ego.  Result: victim may either go into a jealous fit or straight to a divorce court.

Damage: loss of breath, extreme embarrassment, crushed ego.
Result: victim may be the subject of office jokes or permanently quit his job.


Damage: shrinkage of the testicles, blood stoppage to groin area. 
Result: victim may go into a fit or erectile dysfunction.
  If you want to add insult to injury, you can also listen to you iPod while you're at it.


Damage: severely broken or bruised ego.
Result: victim may try to enroll in penis enlargement program or seek immediate surgery.  Obsession with rulers may ensue.


Damage: bruised or broken nose, teeth knocked out, possible black eye. 
Result: sudden loss of sleep, mental disorientation.

Damage: hunger pangs, gastric problems, foul mood.
Result: victim may hyperventilate, but could remedy the situation easily by calling take-outs.

>Damage: lump in throat and difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, bulging neck veins and arteries.
Result: victim may go into a fit and/or suffer terrible nightmares.
 


10) The "Defensive Wind Spirit" move.
Damage: nausea, gagging, general discomfort. 
Result: victim may be unable to breath, or knocked out for several minutes.
Make a habit of farting under the blanket. To help you deliver the most potent kind of gas, here's a list of things you can eat to prepare for your big night: baked beans, brussel sprouts, cheese, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins.

Read part 2 here

    18 comments:

    1. Hahahahahaha! As usual, you never fail to make me laugh. #7 and #10 - I may or may not have attempted them at some point......

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    2. *howling* I love these. There are a couple I might be tempted to try myself. Just have to figure out when. The bald spot one is my favorite so far. Looking forward to seeing more. *lol*

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    3. Brilliant post! But I am a big fan of list posts. This one is smart and sassy. LOVE IT!

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    4. Oh my gosh, you are on fire today! #7 is actually a favorite of mine, particularly if he's been getting a lot more sleep than me lately. Gotta tell ya...it feels good!

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    5. oh dear. #6. You had me with #6

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    6. My friend, I look forward every day to reading what you write! This is hilarious! Keep it coming.

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    7. PEE-ING my pants.

      You rocked this one.

      HAS to be tweeted out, MUST be tweeted out!

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    8. Just had to tweet this out. CRACKED my ass up, woman.

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    9. That's awesome! Thank you Empress for the tweet :)
      Now following too. x

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    10. Hysterical! So glad Empress tweeted this out, gave me the laugh I needed this morning!

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    11. Love it. Hysterical. Genius.

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    12. That made for an awesome laugh!!! I am a new follower! Thanks for checking me out at My Silly Life! I look forward to reading more!

      Christina

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