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Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'll Stand By You Part 1 **Warning: It's a Story Involving a LOT of Shit**

One thing you probably don't need to know about me, but I've got to tell you anyway since it's relevant to this story, is that I have a hard time poo-ing when I'm not familiar with the surroundings.  The same thing happens whenever there's too much commotion around me.  Like when there are guests coming over for dinner or when my daughter's having her playdates (picture little people running around the house screaming and shouting).  Also included in my blacklist are public restrooms, where the toilet cubicles are surrounded by walls that are not completely enclosed.  You know those "neither here nor there" partitions that are supposed to give you a sense of privacy?  Privacy my arse. Having to smell other people's shit on top of yours does not qualify as privacy in my dictionary.  Second, doing my business while having to hold my breath at the same time is just plain wrong.  It contradicts the law of nature, not to mention detrimental to your state of consciousness.

Another thing I probably should mention, is that last year, my 5 year-old daughter had to memorize lyrics to the song "I'll Stand By You" (by the Pretenders) for her school's Christmas performance.  I had her practiced that song enough to know that she had most of the lyrics memorized.

So with those little trivias in mind, I begin my story.  Let me warn you, it's a story that involves a lot of shit

Sometime last year, our family went on a holiday in Bali.  For those of you who'd been there, you would know that Balinese people are well-known for being polite and hospitable.  We were staying at our favorite hotel, the one we always stayed in whenever we visited the island.  Familiar with the hotel layout and room setting already, I was able to relax immediately after we finished unpacking.  I remembered the day as being a bit too hot for my liking, so I opted to stay in our room with my daughter while my husband went down to sunbathe by the pool.

Sensing the peaceful tranquility all around me, my rowdy husband out by the pool, it didn't take long before I felt the first stirrings of nature calling in my tummy.  Not wanting to lose the momentum, I quickly set out to prepare my pre-flux routine without delay:
  • one or two tabloid magazines to entertain myself while I'm doing my #2 (checked).
  • my blackberry, on silent mode (checked).  We don't want any sudden outbursts of my Eminem ringer to muck up my bowel movements now, do we?
  • liquid soap and a 3 liter plastic bottle filled up with water for me to wash up afterward (checked).
  • TV set on Disney channel to ensure no mid-poo interruptions from daughter (checked)
  • yummy snacks for my little one to munch on while watching TV (checked)
  • a small plastic cup of water for her (checked). 
  • lock entrance and patio doors (checked)
  • windows all closed and secured (checked)
I proceeded to prop my daughter, who was five years old at the time, comfortably on the sofa bed, her snack and water cup well within her grasp, making sure she had the best unhindered view of Disney Channel from where she's sitting.  Finally, I informed my daughter that Mommy had some "business to attend to" in the bathroom, so please do not--I repeat, do NOT--interrupt, barge in, or come within ten paces of the bathroom door unless there is a real emergency.  By now she's only too happy to obliged, her eyes already glued to the TV screen.

(Please continue to Part 2)

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