The Very Latest You'd Find At The New Blog!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'll Stand By You Part 3 **Warning: It's a Story Involving a LOT of Shit**

(continuing from Part 2)

Yes, this is a true story that really happened and I'm not making this up. 

By the time the maintenance crew arrived, I was safely out of sight, as planned.  I had chosen a spot where I could zoom in on my daughter yet remained unseen.  I saw my daughter opened the door, and without a word, pointed towards the bathroom.  I saw the back of the maintenance crew as they were about to enter the scene of the crime.  I held my breath and waited for the crew to start yelling expletives and ran the hell away from the bathroom.  When none of that happened, I started thanking Jesus for Balinese people's hospitality, which apparently transcended all understanding.

While the crew was inside the bathroom, hard at work, my daughter came out to where I was hiding.  She looked worried and (rightly so) asked me, "What's wrong, Mommy?"  I looked up from my semi-crouching position, and at that moment I just couldn't continue with the lies anymore.  So I told her, "Mommy did something really, really embarrassing, sweetie. I think I threw in too many tissue papers, and now the toilet's blocked.  So when I poo-poo just now, the poo didn't go down like it's supposed to when I flushed.  Now Mommy is so embarrassed, I don't want those people to see me."  There, I finally confessed the truth.

Well, what happened next was this: as soon as I finished my shameful confession, my little 5 year-old daughter sat down next to me, put one arm around me, and started singing:

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes...
Come on and come to me now.
Don’t be ashamed to cry...
Let me see you through...
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do?
Nothing you confess...
Could make me love you less...
I’ll stand by you... I'll stand by you...

There I was, sitting in my little hiding spot, and my baby girl was singing "I'll Stand by You" for me.
To tell the truth, I didn't know whether to laugh, or to cry.  First, I was surprised that she picked that moment to sing.  Second, I couldn't help but feeling that her choice of song was strangely fitting given the circumstances (I mean, she could have sung "London Bridge is Falling Down," but thank goodness she didn't).  Third, if you were listening to the words like I did, you'd notice the lyrics: "Nothing you confess... Could make me love you less..."  

Yep, I was convinced that, right there, was how God punished me for having lied and used my innocent daughter to cover for my own sorry ass. Nothing feels more shit-ty (or more hilarious) than having to confess to your 5 year-old kid that you accidentally shit all over the bathroom floor, then tried to put the blame on her, and guess what she did? She sang you a song, telling you that there's absolutely nothing you could do that would make her love you less.


  1. I LOVE this story! I laughed, a lot! Sorry - i have a shy bowel as well. But, I'm going to be forwarned for the next time I hit a hotel bathroom, that's for sure!
    Hope you got my message earlier as well

  2. OMG I nearly shit myself reading this!! That was too funny. And bless your daughter, what a sweetheart!

    I have a natural revulsion to using public toilets too, having encountered one too many shitty ones (pun intended!). My fear is so real, I often have recurring nightmares of having to use filthy public toilets, I shit you not.

    See how I used the word shit as many times as possible??? Haha! Love you!

  3. This is so funny, now I know why we have such kismet b/c it is something that would happen to me and that I would do. Also the fact you've publicly fessed up - brilliant. (-:

  4. My friends, they broke the mold after they made you! I thought I'd have a heart attack reading this. Your honesty is wonderful! Keep it up!

  5. Wendie: who knew those harmless looking tissue paper could be so lethal!

    Alison: yep, that was one shitty situation I got myself into. For once I almost wished I were in a public restroom.

    Ado: where were you when I needed a friend during those times of need? ;)

    Janice: thanks for dropping by! The only reason I could be honest about it now, was because I could hide behind my computer screen where nobody can see me. LOL

  6. good gawd, too funny! not to mention, i like that song. Like too much methinks.

  7. hahaha this is hilarious...ive read your blogs and everyday i keep on checking to see if youve posted any new are a brilliant writer and you speak for a lot of people. keep posting!!!

  8. Very funny, I would have done the same thing. You and I think a lot alike.
    I am awarding you the Versatile Blogger Award.


I've taken the Pledge. Have you?