Just Because I Like Being Alone Doesn't Mean I Don't Feel Lonely

Hosted by Things I Can't Say

You see, I like to be alone.  In fact, being the introvert that I am, I prefer to be alone most of the time, because I find comfort in being alone.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel lonely.  Or that I like feeling lonely.  Because I don't. 

So it might be surprising for some to hear me say this.

That I'm lonely.

One of the hardest things I have to cope with during this marital crisis is the feeling of loneliness.  Funny I should say this, because it wasn't as if Mr. LA and I were together all the time or even that talkative to begin with.  Even when we were still dating, I was quiet and reserved.  I was never one to communicate well verbally (which later on did become a problem), and my way of bonding with him was mostly through hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or even sleeping next to each other with our legs entangled.  Those simple things made me feel connected to him; they made me feel safe and taken care of.

For the last three months though, I've been stripped bare of those things.  If there was already little physical contact before, now it's non-existent.  We each go through our days, treating each other civilly, sometimes talking more than usual, but without any physical contact.

And I missed that.  I missed that so much.  I missed having someone held my hand when we walked side by side.  I missed curling up and resting my head on the crook of his neck.  I missed sitting side by side, bodies touching, while we watch TV at home.  I miss the caring gestures, the pat in the back, the occasional shoulder rubs, the affectionate kiss on the cheek, the arm across the shoulder...

I have never felt as lonely as in the past three months.  Wherever I was, wherever I went, no matter what I was doing at the time, loneliness lingers.  It's become a part of everything that I experience nowadays.  I could be happy, sad, excited, tired, angry, or just plain bored, the one constant thing was that I always felt lonely.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest...