I remembered the days when jeans used to be the one thing I couldn't live without. I could wear jeans morning, afternoon, and night. I felt that I always looked good in jeans. Needless to say, I hearted jeans.
Okay, I admit, maybe a bit of wiggle-wiggle. No biggie.
Now? No amount of jumping up and down, lying-down while buttoning, sucking my breath until my lungs were on fire, would make the whole process any easier. My biceps got muscle aches just from trying to pull the two bloody ends together. Not to mention the raw blisters on my thumbs.
No belts were necessary. There's no way the jeans would ever slide down, what with all those skin I've tucked in underneath the waistline.
So let me tell you what happens during the times I've managed to button up my jeans. I would've thought the thing couldn't feel any tighter, right? As soon as I sat down, I felt like I had just been punched in the guts. Slowly but surely I could feel all those extra loose skin I had so painstakingly tucked in started to unravel and escape from the confines of my jeans. I could even feel the spilling skin folding over and touch the metal coldness of my jean's button. I would look down and see the slowly expanding and multiplying folds of skin underneath my loose top. At which point I would then take a handful of Tums because I would be getting a serious case of heartburn from all that pressure on my tummy.
Multiply the whole experience above three folds once you drink a glass full of water, and five folds once you're through with appetizer. By dessert, I would have to unbutton that damn button, which feels better than orgasm at that point, and breathe a long sigh of relief. That feeling is short-lived, however, once I realize I've got to button the whole thing (the extra skin, the f*cking love handles, plus the appetizer, main course, and dessert) up again before getting up from my seat. I tried walking around with my jeans unbuttoned once, but I ended up looking like I had grown a d*ck, which was not exactly the look I was going for--ever.
Despite owning a complete collection of jeans that encompasses