Divorce Journal: Entry No.1

It's amazing what could happen in a blink of an eye.  That pretty much summed up the recent events in my life.  I still find it too difficult to write/talk about, I hope you'd understand.  So please forgive me if my writing goes all over the place, or if it's disorganized, not really having a theme, title, or even making any sense.  In truth, if one were to take a glimpse into my mind right now, that's exactly what my mind would've looked like--like a bomb had exploded, obliterating everything into unrecognizable pieces.  It definitely felt like it.  Indescribable pain that seared you into an almost-numb state, but not quite.  Leaving you suspended, unable to escape--your own personal hell on earth, if there's one.

Having said that, life goes on and waits for no one.  So here's what I've been doing in the meantime:

• I decided to keep my hair short, after having grown it a bit longer than usual in the last few months.  What is it about bad endings and the need to chop off one's hair?  I know I've done it more than once in the past, and I know of friends who cut their hair, consciously or not, following an unfortunate incidence in their lives.  Maybe it's like some sort of a rite of passage.  Get rid of some bad luck and cut off your losses.  Or maybe it's emotionally therapeutic--unless you managed to end up with a really bad haircut, in which case, you probably have to look elsewhere and try more extreme cathartic measures.  Like shaving your head, for example.  That's very rare though, I hope.
• Bloody effin hell, my monthly period just started.  Enough said on the subject.
• Trying to calm my mother down.  I had to finally tell her about "the end."  This was just as painful for me to do as accepting the fact.  My mom just decided to semi-retire, having worked her butt off most of her life.  She had just learned not to get too paranoid over the future.  I wanted to keep the news away from her until the very last moment, but it had come to that point.  Predictably, she freaked out... in the usual pattern of increasing stages.  Here's an example:  (3 days ago) "I'm sad for both you and your husband..." vs. (yesterday) "That jerk! I don't want to see his face ever again!"  Yes, I'm sure you get the picture.
• Telling those who are closest to me.  My best friend, Ms. Lips has known for quite some time, but yesterday I finally told Ms. Mouthy.  I wanted her to hear it straight from my mouth, before rumors had a chance to distort whatever truth there is.  I hurted to have to tell her while she's on vacation and going through her first few weeks of pregnancy.
• Praying.  I think praying is the only thing that keeps me standing right now.  I pray for God's peace and strength, and for His Will to be done.
• Oh, back to my hair.  So I had a haircut.  Same hairstylist, same request.  But now I ended up with hair like Justin Bieber.  F*ck.
• Thinking of going to school again.  Pre-Med. I know, am I nuts or what?  I'd probably be the only one above the legal age in class, but what the hell.  At least I know I'd be voted as the class' official drinks and beverages organizer, even making some serious bucks doing it.  Wink, wink.
• Making sure my daughter comes out a winner, no matter what happens.  This is work in progress.  I don't have a clue as to how I'm gonna achieve this, but I'll update you as I go.

It's gonna sound like a f*cking speech, but I've gotta say it.  To all of you who's emailed me, showing me your concern as well as support, thank you so, so much.  Really, from the bottom of my heart.  I thought about "meeting" some great people when I started my blog, but the truth is, you've proved me way beyond my expectations.  Truly, you've been real friends to me, even if we've never met.  I hope I can be just as much a friend to you whenever you need me.

OK, there's enough of this sentimental sh*t here to last me a few lifetimes over.

Do Sweat, Over and Out.