Divorce Journal: Entry No.1

It's amazing what could happen in a blink of an eye.  That pretty much summed up the recent events in my life.  I still find it too difficult to write/talk about, I hope you'd understand.  So please forgive me if my writing goes all over the place, or if it's disorganized, not really having a theme, title, or even making any sense.  In truth, if one were to take a glimpse into my mind right now, that's exactly what my mind would've looked like--like a bomb had exploded, obliterating everything into unrecognizable pieces.  It definitely felt like it.  Indescribable pain that seared you into an almost-numb state, but not quite.  Leaving you suspended, unable to escape--your own personal hell on earth, if there's one.

Having said that, life goes on and waits for no one.  So here's what I've been doing in the meantime:

• I decided to keep my hair short, after having grown it a bit longer than usual in the last few months.  What is it about bad endings and the need to chop off one's hair?  I know I've done it more than once in the past, and I know of friends who cut their hair, consciously or not, following an unfortunate incidence in their lives.  Maybe it's like some sort of a rite of passage.  Get rid of some bad luck and cut off your losses.  Or maybe it's emotionally therapeutic--unless you managed to end up with a really bad haircut, in which case, you probably have to look elsewhere and try more extreme cathartic measures.  Like shaving your head, for example.  That's very rare though, I hope.
• Bloody effin hell, my monthly period just started.  Enough said on the subject.
• Trying to calm my mother down.  I had to finally tell her about "the end."  This was just as painful for me to do as accepting the fact.  My mom just decided to semi-retire, having worked her butt off most of her life.  She had just learned not to get too paranoid over the future.  I wanted to keep the news away from her until the very last moment, but it had come to that point.  Predictably, she freaked out... in the usual pattern of increasing stages.  Here's an example:  (3 days ago) "I'm sad for both you and your husband..." vs. (yesterday) "That jerk! I don't want to see his face ever again!"  Yes, I'm sure you get the picture.
• Telling those who are closest to me.  My best friend, Ms. Lips has known for quite some time, but yesterday I finally told Ms. Mouthy.  I wanted her to hear it straight from my mouth, before rumors had a chance to distort whatever truth there is.  I hurted to have to tell her while she's on vacation and going through her first few weeks of pregnancy.
• Praying.  I think praying is the only thing that keeps me standing right now.  I pray for God's peace and strength, and for His Will to be done.
• Oh, back to my hair.  So I had a haircut.  Same hairstylist, same request.  But now I ended up with hair like Justin Bieber.  F*ck.
• Thinking of going to school again.  Pre-Med. I know, am I nuts or what?  I'd probably be the only one above the legal age in class, but what the hell.  At least I know I'd be voted as the class' official drinks and beverages organizer, even making some serious bucks doing it.  Wink, wink.
• Making sure my daughter comes out a winner, no matter what happens.  This is work in progress.  I don't have a clue as to how I'm gonna achieve this, but I'll update you as I go.

It's gonna sound like a f*cking speech, but I've gotta say it.  To all of you who's emailed me, showing me your concern as well as support, thank you so, so much.  Really, from the bottom of my heart.  I thought about "meeting" some great people when I started my blog, but the truth is, you've proved me way beyond my expectations.  Truly, you've been real friends to me, even if we've never met.  I hope I can be just as much a friend to you whenever you need me.

OK, there's enough of this sentimental sh*t here to last me a few lifetimes over.

Do Sweat, Over and Out.

Terrific Thursday Blog Hop (Week 21) and Thirsty Thursday Blog Hop (6/30)

Welcome to Terrific Thursday blog hop, hosted by Rondi from WAHM Resource Site and Crystal from My Life as Mom and Wife . This weeks guest host for the #3 spot is The Hairbow Chronicles!

Here's what you need to do: please follow the two hosts and guest host.

Click here to enter!

Thirsty Thursday Blog Hop

This blog hop is hosted by Obviously MARvelous and SmookieStyle

Here's what you need to do:

1. Follow your 2 hostesses: Obviously MArvelous and Smookie Style

2. Link up your blog on the Linky Below

3. Copy and paste the Thirsty Thursday button in a blog post or on your sidebar

4. Click other links on the Linky and follow some new friends

Go to their sites to enter your link!

The Confession

Remember my friend, Ms. Mouthy from Mouthy, Lips, and Sweaty's Karaoke-O-Rama?  Just as I have been a mother to an only daughter, for the last 4.5 years, Ms. Mouthy has been a mother to an only son.  Most of our friends whose first child was born around the same time as my 6.5 year-old daughter, has had their second, third, and for some, fourth child by now.  

Among our group of close friends, Ms. Mouthy and I were the only mothers with one child.  While our friends whined and complained about dealing with endless bouts of flu being passed around their chldren, or about having to keep their flock from clawing each others' eyes out, Ms. Mouthy and I were silently giving thanks to the Lord Almighty that we weren't in their shoes.  Or when the price of the airline tickets kept on going up, we were secretly glad that having only one child, we could still afford a little more luxury of going on vacations and some extra money to spend.

About three weeks ago, Ms. Mouthy bought a pregnancy-test kit following an atypical delay in her punctual monthly courses.  Turned out Ms. Mouthy is pregnant! Other than her husband, I was the first person to whom she passed the news to.  Initially, Ms. Mouthy had mixed feelings about this "surprise" pregnancy.  Having just gotten off birth-control very recently, she wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away.  And having been a mom to an only child for the last four-and-a-half years, she voiced her worries about all the changes this new pregnancy would bring.  

News of pregnancy, especially when it's not mine (LOL), always brings me such an indescribable joy.  I revel in knowing that a new, wonderful life has been created; that there exists something pure and good amidst all the craziness in the world today.  When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was (typically) too busy worrying and panicking over my capabilities to be a mother.  But when it's someone's else's, I was free to simply appreciate the miracle of creation, to pay my respects to a woman's ability to nurture a growing life within her womb.

Plus, I love holding a baby in my arms: the smell of their skin, the way their fingers curled around mine so trustingly, the oh-so-soft layers of their hair.  It's been years since my own daughter was a baby, and there were times when I wished she didn't grown up so fast!

The moment's gaiety, however, slowly yielded to feelings of desolation, as stark reality that has been my life for the last few months came crashing in.  For a fleeing second I wished this happy news came at a better time.  It seemed sinful to taint something so positive and pure with sadness coming from what's happening in my life right now.

For the last one month and a half, my life has been hell.  My marriage is falling apart, and despite efforts to the contrary, divorce has become a likely option.  One moment I was living what I thought was my 'real' life, and the next, I found out that it was all just an illusion.  Marriage is hard-work, I know that.  Mine has had its share of ups and downs, but I've always thought--until now that is--that I've married for life, for better for worse, in sickness and in health.  I never thought it would end with my husband saying that he's lost bits and pieces of his feelings for me throughout the past ten years... and that in essence, he's fallen out of love for me.

What does one do when the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, the person who had promised to love and cherish you until the day you die, told you that he no longer has feelings for you?  I wish this is some nightmare I can wake up from, or some flashbacks to some of my high-school relationships.  But it's not.  It's spoken by my husband.  I married this man.  I have a child with this man.  I've spent the last ten years of my life with this man.

To My Unborn Child

Did you feel that, Unborn Baby?
That's my heartbeat.  My love.
My life.
Did you see that, My Dear?
For all the could have beens.
My tears.

I've met you deep in the recesses of my dreams
I held you in my arms til you're asleep

You're my joy that will never be
The laughter that soon turns to debris

Did you hear that, Winter Sky?
That's your name.  My pride.
My breath.
Did I not speak of you enough?
All that lay within.  Those years.
My fears.

I never thought of you not ever being
A little too late now for my pleas

Did you know that, Unseen Child?
You're alive. Here. In my life.

Five Questions Friday (June 24th)

   (Special thanks to @TheSpunkyDiva,@dosweatthesmall, Maryanne, AdventurezInChildRearing, and Pam for their question suggestions! 

Questions for Friday, June 24th:

  1. What is your current favorite TV show?

Criminal Minds, hands down.  I haven't missed a single episode out of the entire 6 seasons.  Love the suspense, the story line, and the cast.  My favorite characters are: Dr. Reed, Hotch, and Penelope Garcia.


2. What's the worst haircut you ever got?
A chin-length, noodle-bowl cut with blunt fringe, partly burnt from a bad perm.  It took me one year and a half to completely get rid of it.  Luckily, by some kind of divine intervention, I was smart enough not to take any pictures of myself while sporting that particular hairdo-don't.  But in an effort to show you what it looked like, I managed to get these pictures:  

Who knew that years later, Lady Gaga wore the same hairstyle I did?!?  This is how my hair looked like on a good day.

This is what it looked like on a bad day

OK, so now you know.



3. What was something that you did as a child that you thought you were so cool for doing?

And I thought I was sooo cool...

 Wearing United Colors of Benetton from top to bottom, with the latest pair of LA Gears sneakers with stitchings on the sides that could change colors!  
Yes, my history of being a fashion victim began early in life. 


4. Do you have any GREAT frugal family fun tips?
I really believe in the saying, "The best things in life are free."  Of all the fun times we had as a family, most of them actually happened when they weren't planned, and when we made the best out of whatever we had around us at that moment.


5. Would you drive across country if you had the money to fly?

 Absolutely.  I love to drive and I'd love to be able to go on a road trip some day.  With the people I love the most -- my hubbs, my daughter, and my mom.

F*ck, I've Lost My Writing Mojo

Let me be honest with you.  Lately I've felt like I've lost my writing mojo.  I had no desire to write, nor felt any inspiration that could motivate me.  Many times I just stared at the blank screen before me, wishing for a struck of genius to smack me in the head, to no avail.  There were also times when I've written four or five paragraphs of something, only to click on Ctrl A then Delete because they were f*cking rubbish.  

Among those that got deleted:

•  My Mom Had a Crush on My Doctor... What the Hell? (quit that mid writing)
• F*ck You Midlife Crisis! (too much expletives)
• The First Time I Got Really Drunk (lame-O)
• My Sex Life Sucked (what's new?)
• My Nemenis Married My Cousin and Befriended My Sister-in-Law (too Jerry Springer-ish)
• I Tried Writing Prompts but I'm Too Stupid to Understand What I'm Supposed to Do (I think the title says it all)

So what have I been doing with my blogging time?

• Watched "Megamind" with my 6 year-old daughter and surprisingly laughed my ass off through the whole movie.
• Watched "Adjustment Bureau" alone and bawled because I thought it was one of the most romantic love story ever.
• Went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned just because.
• Listened to Black Eyed Peas' "Never Get Enough" and put it on repeat for at least 50 times.
• Attempted to make crepes, but stopped once I bought the ingredients.
• Participated in as many blog hops as possible.  Minimal writing, people.
• Stalked other people's blogs to check on how many followers they have, and then spent the next few hours feeling bad for myself.
• Snacking non-stop.
• Answered every single one of my blackberry messenger when normally I'd either ignore or deleted them instantly.
• Trying not to cry whenever I see my laptop.
• Uncharacteristically happy when hubby came home from work; I had an excuse not to write my blog.
• Contemplated on trying some weeds and other drug paraphernalia--my imagination tend to run wild whenever I'm uninspired.
• Took naps at unlikely times just to avoid writing a post.

What do you do when writing eludes you?  (For those who never experience this...f*ck you! Nah, just kidding...I'm just f*cking jealous!!! Can't you tell?!?)
  

Terrific Thursday Blog Hop (Week 20) and Thirsty Thursday Blog Hop 6/23

Welcome to Terrific Thursday blog hop, hosted by Rondi from WAHM Resource Site and Crystal from My Life as Mom and Wife . This weeks guest host for the #3 spot is Luv’n Lambert Life!

Thirsty Thursday Blog Hop

This blog hop is hosted by Obviously MARvelous and SmookieStyle

Here's what you need to do:

1. Follow your 2 hostesses: Obviously MArvelous and Smookie Style

2. Link up your blog on the Linky Below

3. Copy and paste the Thirsty Thursday button in a blog post or on your sidebar

4. Click other links on the Linky and follow some new friends

Go to their sites to enter your link!

Hop a Little Tuesday (Week 14) and Follow Me Back Tuesday

Hop A Little Tuesday (Week 14)
There are 3 different linkys. You can link up your Blogs, Facebook [fan pages ONLY], & Twitter accounts! Click on the hop button above to link up!
Hosted by Little Boys are Made of Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails and Love You Always and Forever.

As always Follow Me Back Tuesday is Hosted By:

Survey Junkie, Little Yaya’s & Boobies,BabiesAndABlog

With Guest Hosts:

Corie from Red Letter Rising & Delilah from Delilah's Diary

Meet Me on Monday June 20th, 2011

Welcome to the 49th edition of "Meet Me On Monday!"

Every Sunday Never Growing Old will post five get to know you questions that you can copy and paste into your own Monday post and we can all learn a little more about each and every one of us!!

<center><a href="http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com/search/label/Meet%20Me%20On%20Monday"><img border="0" src="http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee487/nevergrowingold/MeetMonday-1.jpg" /></a></center> 

Questions:   

1.  What feature of the opposite sex do you notice first?

 First the face.  His face has to appeal to me.  Once it's been established that the face is a go, then how he carries himself comes in a close second.  If he starts acting like a jerk, no matter how appealing his face is, then it's a no-go!

2.  Do you talk to yourself?

 Dang right I do!  I'm an only child, so talking to myself has become quite a habit.  I tried not to do it in public though.

3.  What is your current relationship status?

Is it just me, or is this week's questions starting to sound like the kind of questionnaires I got in my shrink's office?  I'm married with one kid, by the way.


4.  Do you have a garden?

Yes, I have a garden, but there's barely any trees or plants in it other than grass.  I have this weird fear of live plants and flowers.  Phobias, actually.



5.  What is your favorite licorice flavor?

 I like the black, salted ones that I once bought from Holland.  I could never find ones I like as much as I liked that one since then.

 

Most Likely To...

Remember back in high school, in your senior year, when your classmates voted the 'Most Likely' list?  What did they vote you as?

Funny how out of the blue, as I was watching TV earlier today, I suddenly remembered about that.

I wish I could recall where my yearbook is right now, for I would've loved to scan a copy of it and post it here.  However, since high school, I've probably moved places and cities at least 7 or 8 times, so I presume that there's either a high-school yearbook with my name written on its first page, tucked around safely in some storage corner, or that some street vendor had probably used up all its papers (my high school picture included) to make wraps for some dang honey-roasted peanuts or something.  Let's hope it's the first and not the latter.

Have you ever wondered about your life now, and how it corresponds (or not) to that little cutesy high-school title your friends gave you?  Say you do, because otherwise I'd have to tell myself that I'm the only one who ever does that because I have nothing better to do with my days than to ponder about how my life corresponds to my high-school title.  That would suck.

For my regular readers (ooh, doesn't that make me sound like a professional writer? Love it!), I'm sure by now you've caught glimpses of who I am as a person and are able to at least form some kind of an impression.  For new readers out there to whom this post is the first (not the last, I hope) you've ever read of my blog, here's how I was back in high school:

I was a nerd who would weep and wail on my bed whenever I earned less than A- on my homework and exams.  I  was the student council president.  I was shy and awkward upon meeting new people.  I stayed in a boarding school with minimal supervision (yes, our house director rocked!) but I always clocked in on-time for the study time, even when I was a senior with senior privileges who didn't have mandatory study time.

I was also one of the first students who illegally owned a mobile phone in my boarding house.  One day, the said mobile phone went missing, and since it's a serious offense to have one (yeah the good ol' days), I freaked out and turned my bedroom upside down, all the while cursing in at least 3 different languages.  The house director thought I had a nervous breakdown, and I couldn't tell the truth because if they found out about my mobile phone, they would've issued a detention, and 2 detentions could get you kicked out of the school.  So the brilliant student counselor put me on a "suicide" watch, and  for three days I had to sleep next door to the school's spiritual counselor.  I couldn't sleep or even take a leak with the door closed.  At the end of those 3 days I really did feel like I was already well on my way to the cuckoo's nest.

I had boys came over to pick me up with their sports car every weekends (the perks of going to a private all-girls school awesome enough to be surrounded by private ivy league universities, people!), so to some teachers and students, I was perceived as a party animal with slightly lesser morals than the other party-going girls who sneaked boys into their bedrooms but was too street-smart to ever get caught.  And also because I just happened to look like a bitch of the highest order.  That's what I meant when I said it sucked to have people think you're snooty and all that just because of your face.  It wasn't because of race, religion, or even cultural background.  And it wasn't even because I was crazy beautiful or anything like that.  It was purely because of my effin face, one that I happened to be born with.  People seemed to agree it had "bitchy" written all over it.  Oh, and the boys tend to assume I was either an airhead or an intimidating bitch (sigh. Notice how the "bitch" kind of came up often?). 

Still, I loved my high-school years.  I had a close knit of good friends, who all said at some point, "Gosh, and here I thought you were such a bitch when I first saw you."  Yeah, heard that before.  The teachers couldn't really get mad at me for long because at least I made their classes looked interesting, by answering their questions when most of the other girls had fallen asleep in their chairs.  In fact, I frequented their offices so much after school, always with a million questions, that they perhaps gave me all those As just to get rid of me.  And hell yeah, dating life wasn't that bad either.

So, what I wanted to ask you was, could you guess what 'Most Likely' title my friends gave me on my high-school yearbook?  What's yours??  Tell me, tell me, tell me!!!

(Wanna know the answer?  Read part 2 :) 

Five Questions Friday (June 17th)

Hosted by My Little Life

Rules for 5QF:  
HAVE FUN!! Oh, and copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then link up!

Questions for Friday, June 17th: 

(Special thanks to @gasfamily, @MarandaLamping, Sandy, Lorilynne, and a question from the Deck of Random Question cards [i.e. sending out an SOS for question suggestions!] for their question suggestions! Have a fun question? Head over to my community or shout it out on twitter to me, @5crookedhalos, using hashtag #5QF!)

1. What is your favorite summer time activity?

Traveling to Bali, stay at my fave hotel, the Legian, and just laze around all day on the Seminyak beach, catching up on all my readings while hearing the sound of the waves hitting the sand shore.

2. Do you have one laundry soap you stick to, or do you buy whatever is on sale?

I'm a creature of habit, so not only do I stick to one brand, I usually just go straight to that familiar spot on the supermarket aisle without even a glance at the other brands.  Nothing would deter me short of an alien invasion.

3. What is your favorite dinner to make in the summer?

That's easy.  I don't cook.  I am an expert at eating out and home deliveries.

 4. Do you have any talents?

You go, Sweat!

I would like to think so.  I'm sure the only reason I can't come up with any answer right now is because there's too many of them just waiting to be discovered.

5. If you could instantly be an expert in something, what would it be? Why?

Don't you dare buy one more jeans, your pocket and your hips CAN'T afford it!

I really wish i would be some sort of money expert... sort of like Suzie Orman, but minus the orange fake tan and the whiter than white teeth.  Why?  Because I'm just terrible with money in general.  Terrible!

Visiting Paris Without Speaking French Part 1

Paris has always held a special place in my heart.  Not only was I among the millions of people who had their honeymoons there, let's face it: it's kind of difficult not to like the "most romantic city in the world," what with all the historic buildings, the parks in the middle of the city, the wafting smell of fresh pastries from the bakeries, the fab wines, and of course that certain "je ne sais quoi."

In the last few years, I've been lucky to have visited the city several times.  One of the first things I noticed was how much friendlier the locals are now towards non-French speaking tourists.  Compared to ten, fifteen years ago, most of the locals now speaks fluent English and are willing to use it.  Despite common perception that French people tend to be a little 'snooty," I strongly disagree.  In fact, the service industry (such as restaurants, shops, hotels, and even the transport system) has really improved, and as much as I hated to admit it, it seemed to be better than services in the US (in particular, the last several years).  The locals were very accommodating, willing to help out, and definitely more patient (compared to US cities like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and definitely New York City, for example).  I noticed, at least in the case of the salespersons I encountered in the US lately, there was a trend among them to show sour grape faces and "I-don't-really-want-to-be-here-if-I-have-a-choice" attitude whenever they serve their customer.  Was it due to the bad economy, or was it just the fact that they didn't like my face?? hmm...

A view from a corner of some random street

The Church of Notre Dame -- Could you spot Monsieur Hunchback?

Parisien buildings

An old-fashioned bookstore at St. Germaine

The whole shop was lined from ceiling to floor with books!

Back to my Paris trip...  I was lucky enough to have stayed around the 7th and 8th arrondissements, which is where Rue du Faubourg, Rue St. Honore, Rue Cambon, Place Vendome, and Place de la Concorde are located.  My hotel was also within walking distance from the famous Champs Elysee and the bustling Madeleine area.  These were all famous streets where most of the upscale boutiques, museums (such as Musee Louvres and Musee d'Orsay), and other historical landmarks were situated.  It was also pretty close to The Eiffel Tower (about 10 minutes drive), and to the increasingly hip St. Germaine area (where the Church of Notre Dame's located) .

A Paris experience wouldn't be complete without indulging on the French "cuisine."  No, I'm not talking about the fine dining kind at one, two, or three-starred Michelin restaurants.  I'm talking about hot, Nutella-filled crepes and crispy waffles from street vendors along Champs Elysee or the Moulin Rouge, the mouthwatering omelette, risotto, and entrecote steaks with "truffles," the delectable macaroons the colors of rainbow, the juicy croque monsieurs from the local neighborhood bakeries at Montmartre, the savory, melt-in-your mouth souffles (au chocolat, au Grand Marnier, au fromage, take your pic) from sidewalk cafes at St. Germaine, the creme caramel with butter and sea salt... and the pastries... the jambons...Oh la la!!!

Omelette with Black Truffles from La Maison de la Truffe

Entrecote Steak with seasonal truffles

"Isharya" Macaroon with Rose Water from La Duree

Cappuccino avec creme fraiche (!)

(To be continued...)

Hop a Little Tuesday (Week 13) and Follow Me Back Tuesday

Hop A Little Tuesday [Week 13]

There are 3 different linkys. You can link up your Blogs, Facebook [fan pages ONLY], & Twitter accounts! Click on the hop button above to link up!

Hosted by: Little Boys are Made of Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails and Love You Always and Forever.
And... Mommy Katie and The How to Mommy.

As always Follow Me Back Tuesday is Hosted By:

Survey Junkie, Little Yaya’s & Boobies,BabiesAndABlog

This week’s Guest Hosts are:

Jodi from A Mom Having Fun!

&

Kristin from Mommy Miscellaneous

Meet Me on Monday June 12th, 2011

Welcome to the 48th edition of

"Meet Me On Monday!"

Every Sunday Never Growing Old will post five get to know you questions that you can copy and paste into your own Monday post and we can all learn a little more about each and every one of us!!

<center><a href="http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com/search/label/Meet%20Me%20On%20Monday"><img border="0" src="http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee487/nevergrowingold/MeetMonday-1.jpg" /></a></center>
Question #2 compliments of Maureen at A Sudden Alarm of Donkeys!!

If you have a question suggestion please email me at: nevergrowingold@hotmail.com and if I use your question I will give you a shout out! 

Questions:

1.  What is your favorite yogurt flavor?

2.  Ankle or knee socks? and on the same theme, white socks or coloured??

3.  How is the weather right now?

4.  Are you a fast typer?

5.  Red or White Wine?

Answers:

1.  I'm not a yoghurt fan, actually.  Unless it's Pinkberry's.  Then it's the original flavor topped with fresh strawberries and blueberry sauce :)

2. It really depends on the kind of shoes and whether or not it matches the color of my clothes.  Yes, I'm Ms. Prim and Proper in this department.  I prefer plain white, nude, navy blue or black though.  Not really into patterns or colorful socks... they tend to make my already giant feet look even more humongous.



No



Um, nope

No!

NO WAY!

WHAT THE HELL?!?

3.  Am in Paris right now, and the weather's great.  In fact, I have the details right here:

4. My mother hired a tutor for me one summer when I was thirteen just to teach me how to type correctly.  So yes, I'm a fast typer.  Even if it's just because by now I've had years and years to practice, and because my mother was an anal retentive who made me into the anal retentive person that I am today.

Yes, I came from a generation where keyboards used to look like this

My tutor never taught me how to type like this though

5.  I prefer reds.  Or champagnes.  They're much quicker than whites in making me become a happier person.  But I'm OK with whites too, especially if they come free of charge.



Or at least that's how I usually got mine

  

My sentiment exactly.