Ten Things You Should Never Ask Your Spouse

Ten Things You Should Never Ask Your Spouse 

(Or Maybe It's Just Mr. LA*)

10) While I prepared the baby, would you help me set up the diaper bag, love?

Most likely outcome: the diaper bag would be filled with all the things you DON'T need.

9) Did you remember___ , back when we were still going out?

Most likely outcome: he doesn't remember, and you'd be pissed off.

8) Honeybun, which color would suit me best?

Most likely outcome: if he knows the answer, believe me, you'd soon start wondering whether or not he really isn't playing for the other team.

7) What's your sexual fantasy?

Most likely outcome: do your really want to open the Pandora's box?  Yeah, I don't think so.

6) Why are your um, 'feet' so... small?

Most likely outcome: would you like it if your hubby tells you your vagina's too large?

5) During sex: Sorry hun, could you perhaps finish off quickly?  I kinda want to pee.

Most likely outcome: sudden erectile dysfunction, followed by possible midlife crisis. 

4) Who's prettier?  Me or her?

Most likely outcome: do you really want to know the honest answer?

3) Would you prove your undying love for me by buying me that diamond on the window?

Most likely outcome: he really doesn't love you that much, and then you'd be heartbroken.

2) Darlin', isn't tomorrow *your* birthday?

Most likely outcome: let the man thinks he's still 21, will ya?

1) Do you love me?/ You cheatin'? Again?

Most likely outcome: it's a no brainer, really.

*  For those of you who's here for the first time (since this is the first time ever I am linking up at Mama Kat's), Mr. LA is FYI my husband.  In a nutshell, five months ago he told me he might be having a midlife crisis.  A few weeks later, he wanted a divorce and confessed that he has not loved me for a good portion of our twelve years together.  Me, always the masochist, insisted we could work things out.  The verdict is still out, at the moment.  Please don't feel bad for me.  This is just some background info.  Feel free to laugh at my post! :) 

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How To Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 2

Continuing from Part 1

*This is a work of fiction, and all names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.  Please do not do this at home.  Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws).  In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.  Viewer's discretion is advised.*

Previously, on How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1, I shared with you a set of lethal moves guaranteed to send Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals (aka the main villain, aka your husband) into exile.

However, do not let your guard down.  It is likely that you will encounter resistance from his sidekicks during or even after you get rid of the main villain.  Part 2 of How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws specifically deals with problematic cronies.  

Usually, sidekicks can be categorized into these four different types: 

• Two-Eyed Shadowless Tyrant (aka Yo Mama), 
• Radioactive Whiskeyjack (aka Yo Papa), 
• Warp Witch Downsizer (aka Yo Sista), and 
• Brain Freeze Headbanger (aka Yo Bro).

This time, to keep the element of surprise, you need to awaken the Superhero in you!   So put on your cape and that sexy thong, and activate the following Superhero Powers:

1) Sound Manipulation and Audiopathy (The ability to telepathically control people's sense of hearing).

Recommended Usage: Practice talking using your best "sex-phone" voice.  Believe me, it's a useful skill to have anyway.  If for some reason, you have no clue as to what I'm talking about, click on the play button below. 

(Link) View more Woman Sound Clips and Sexy Sound Clips

Now, every time your in-laws call, use that voice to tell them they got the wrong number and had dialed a sex phone line instead.  Use your imagination. The sky's the limit.

2) Trichokinesis + Fear Inducement (The power in which one can manipulate their own hair + the power to evoke extreme fear and horror in others).

Recommended Usage: Don't you hate it when you found suspicious-looking hair in your food?  Get the idea?  You don't even need the real nasty thing.  Just collect some from your hairbrush and cut to shorter lengths. Sprinkle them on top of the appetizer, main course, and dessert whenever you invite your in-laws for dinner.  If the hair happens to be curly, even better!

3) Superhuman Spit Detonation and Bolt Breath (The power to alienate anything with spit or your breath)

Recommended Usage: While in a conversation, scoot really close and "accidentally" spit on them. Or talk while your mouth is full so that it sprays all over them.  Repeat as many times as possible. For extra-strength booster, consume garlic, doritos, or goat cheese beforehand.

4) Dimentional Storage/Memory Manipulation (The power to cause objects/organism to vanish and rematerialize at one's will)

Recommended usage: Find pictures of you and your in-laws together.  Crop each picture right in the middle of your in-laws' faces, with your face remaining intact.  Frame these pictures and display them all around the house whenever they come to visit.

5) Electroweb + Illusion Casting (The power to hack into numbers and/or security system + the power to infinitely change their own and others appearances to their liking)

Recommended usage: print "America's Most Wanted" flyers, replacing the photos with those of your in-laws. Distribute and post the flyers around the neighborhoods where your in-laws live.

6) Bioacoustic Distruption/Communication Jammer (The ability to distrupt other's speaking and hearing abilities)

Recommended usage: download the song "Shut Up" by the Black Eyed Peas.  You can either set it as your ringtone, or an alarm feature on your iPod/iPhone.  Prior to meeting your in-laws, make the necessary gadget adjustments.  What you want is for the ringer/alarm to go off whenever your in-law starts talking.  Quickly apologize to your in-law for the "ill-timed" interruption; privately, repeat every single time he/she starts talking.

7) Chromakinesis (The ability to manipulate colors--to change any color to another)

Recommended usage: Buy one of those milk chocolate-themed body lotions (e.g.

Bath & Body Works Temptations Wickedly Hot Chocolate Body Lotion).  Mix it well with a self-tanning lotion (the darker, the better).  Repackage it, then present it as a gift to your in-law.  Wait a few days for results to appear.

8) Amalgamation +Target Eye (The ability to blend into the surroundings by fusing with the surrounding materials + the ability to cause projectiles to home in at what you're seeing)

Recommended Usage: Print this: "Have You Slapped Your Kid Today?" or "I Hate Cops" on a bumper sticker, and stick it on your in-law's car's back bumper.  Stealth is of the utmost importance here.

I wish you the best of luck in your feat.  May the Force be with you.

How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1

Whenever I'm pissed-off at my husband, my grown-up mind likes to conjure up imaginary--not to mention ingenious, if I do say so myself--ways to get even.  I could be sitting prim and proper in front of him having dinner, while in my head, I would be kicking his bloody arse left and right, kung-fu style.  What's not to like, eh?

In all these hypothetical situations, I'd like to call the heroine (me, that is) 'Unstoppable Jade Fox of Brilliant Mind,' and the villain (that would be my husband, of course) 'Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals.'

Behold followers, I impart to you some of the mighty moves in my Book of "How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws."**  The first part concentrates primarily on the main villain, whereas Part 2 would pretty much take care of his remaining sidekicks.  

**Please do not do this at home.  Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws).  In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.

1)  I call this move "The Roaring Ambush Fright."  

Damage: nerve damage, temporary blood stoppage to brain, eardrum busted. 

Result: victim may go into a fit or delirium.

You would need at least three alarm clocks for this.  The louder they are, the better.  You can also mix and match.  To give you some ideas on the different types of alarm clocks you can use, I've found this perfect article: 11 Alarm Clocks to Wake the Living Dead, by Kavita Mathur.  

Once you have the alarm clocks of your choice, set the timer of each clock to go off within 5 minutes of each other, starting from the loudest one.  Place them around the room, each one strategically placed just beyond your husband's reach, just after he fell asleep.  

In the morning, make sure you're up before those alarms are set to go off.  Pretend to be busy in the kitchen or if you have the option to be out of the house, even better.  Don't forget to repeat the above steps every other day.

 2)  The "Dreaded Flash Forehead" move.  

Damage: crushed self-image, loss of chutzpah. 

Result: victim will seek immediate hair treatment.

Take pictures of his bald spot, making sure that each one is as vivid and graphic as possible.  Taped them onto his bathroom mirror.  You can also use red marker to circle and draw arrows to further emphasize certain areas with the most hair loss.

>3)  "The Ancient Moon Crush" move.

Damage: spastic movements of Adam's apple, temporary loss of speech, bruised ego.  Result: victim may either go into a jealous fit or straight to a divorce court.

Constantly reminisce about "the one who got away."  Create a scrapbook for your exes and decorate them with words like "true love never dies" or "I wish you weren't in my dreams."  Frame them and put them around the flat screen TV.

4)  The "Double Ox Lift" move.

Damage: loss of breath, extreme embarrassment, crushed ego.

Result: victim may be the subject of office jokes or permanently quit his job.

Buy your husband a support bra for his birthday.  Then throw him a surprise party at the office.  Ask him to unwrap his present in front of his colleagues.  Shout "Surprise!!! They're for your man-boobs!!!"  Don't forget to record the special occasion, and make sure you zoom-in on his face with your video cam. 

5) The "Invisible Shield" move.

Damage: shrinkage of the testicles, blood stoppage to groin area. 

Result: victim may go into a fit or erectile dysfunction.

Insist on wearing a blindfold whenever you're having sex.  Tell him you don't want his face to ruin your "fantasies."  If you want to add insult to injury, you can also listen to you iPod while you're at it.

6) The "Mighty Wiener Chop" move.

Damage: severely broken or bruised ego.

Result: victim may try to enroll in penis enlargement program or seek immediate surgery.  Obsession with rulers may ensue.

Refer to your husband's male organ as "Timi the little Pecker."  Invite your in-laws for dinner, and ask them if "Timi the Little Pecker" is a hereditary thing.        

7) The "Deceptive Mist Hammer" move.  

Damage: bruised or broken nose, teeth knocked out, possible black eye. 

Result: sudden loss of sleep, mental disorientation.

When your husband is sleeping soundly, pretend you were asleep and then "accidentally" whack him in the face.

8)  The "Whooping Hunger Strike" move. 

Damage: hunger pangs, gastric problems, foul mood.

Result: victim may hyperventilate, but could remedy the situation easily by calling take-outs.

Prepare dinner for the kids only.  When your husband asks where is his dinner, tell him you think he needs to go on a diet anyway.

9) The "Drunken Fairy Slap" move.

>Damage: lump in throat and difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, bulging neck veins and arteries.

Result: victim may go into a fit and/or suffer terrible nightmares.

"Accidentally" call your husband by the name of your old flame. Repeat several times a day.  

10) The "Defensive Wind Spirit" move.

Damage: nausea, gagging, general discomfort. 

Result: victim may be unable to breath, or knocked out for several minutes.

Make a habit of farting under the blanket. To help you deliver the most potent kind of gas, here's a list of things you can eat to prepare for your big night: baked beans, brussel sprouts, cheese, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins.

Read part 2 here...

The Way We Were

I remembered the first time I met my husband.  I thought he was an arrogant rat bastard with overgrown ego who didn't even look at me when he shook my hand.  A year later, I met him again.  Yep, he was still an arrogant rat bastard with overgrown ego, who was seeing another girl at the same time he was asking me for a date.  Four years later.  We met again.  Uh huh, still an arrogant rat bastard with overgrown ego.  But I guess third time's the charm, because this time for some unknown reason he fell head over heels for me.  Given that I'm a sucker for unrepentant bad boys, what else could I do but oblige?

Oh it was some courting alright!  I must admit, the guy was smooth!  I was swept off my feet by this seemingly reformed callous heartbreaker, who mooned over me and told our mutual friends that he's found the mother of his children--me.  Like a moth to a flame, I was lost, I was smitten.  His arrogance and reputation became something that flattered me even more.  I couldn't see any flaws, I loved just about every single thing about him down to the little details:
- his hands (such masculine hands!),
- his gait (slightly bowed, giving him that relaxed yet confident cowboy walk),
- his nose (so perfect, so nicely shaped!),
- his hair (slightly wavy, curled around the nape, love it!),
- his love for sports (awww, so active, so lively!),
- the authoritative way he carries himself (grrrrrowlll! I love a man in charge!)
Even little inconsequential things like the kinds of music he played in his car became another thing for me to love and admire.

Fast forward 11 years later:
- his hands (hmm, his fingers look kinda stunted.  Masculine, but stunted.  And what was that I heard the other day about how the length of a man's fingers having to do with the size of his you-know-what?)
- his gait (yoohooooo, yeah, you! Could you just walk a little slower?  I mean, you're waaay over there, and I'm like way back here. Can't you see your wife's wearing 9 inch heels here?!?)
- his nose (uhm, darling, do you mind? Your nose's a little shiny there. Could you, like, maybe wash your face a bit more? Want me to put that Ultra Deep Pore Cleansing strip, your nose's starting look like strawberry pits).
- his hair (don't move! I think you're losing hair at the back. Want me to take a picture of it?)
- his love for sports (what do you mean you have another round of golf tomorrow morning? You just played, like, this morning!  Oh great, does that mean you'll be snoring by 9 pm tonight?  Say again? You're playing squash? When, now????)
- the authoritative way he carries himself (why, you domineering sonofa%*^@#! No, I'm not an idiot, so stop talking to me like I am one! Me?? I'm defensive? Go to the mirror and look at yourself, you pompous ass!)
The little inconsequential things like the kinds of music he plays in his car?  How on earth did I ever think he has great taste in music??  (What did you say, dear?  No, it's not by an up-and-coming artist.  The name's Lady Gaga. Oh, you've never heard of the name?  Yeah, I guess you can call her new then.  She's been around for, oh like... the last TWO FUGGIN YEARS for goodness sake!!)

Ok, so I've changed (duh).  I know I can be quite a pain in the ass sometimes.  But cut me some slack, will ya?  I bet my husband feels the same way too.  The difference between us though, he would never confess such a thing in my presence.  He's really smart that way. What can I say?  My husband's a rat bastard.  One who'd make such a good lawyer* too!  Want a proof?
*If you're not sure whether this is a compliment or an insult, you'd find the answer in my post "Lawyers."

My husband goes to bed earlier than I do. I usually sleep much later, around 2-3 am.  Until then, I usually stay up late in my private study, catching up on my reading and blogging, or simply just watching some chick flick that my husband definitely won't like on dvd.  One night, I  fell asleep on the couch in my study while watching a movie on TV.  When I awakened, it was around 6am.  Groggy and sleepy, I went to my bedroom, slipped under the covers and tried to steal a few more minutes of sleep.  When my husband woke up around 7:30am, I was already up.  As he finished getting dressed and about ready to leave for work, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Wow, I had such a good sleep last night!  The best I've had in a long time!"  To which I replied, "Oh Really?"  "Must be because you were sleeping so close next to me last night," he added.  The man can have such a sweet mouth sometimes.

The only problem was : that night, the night he supposedly "had the BEST sleep in a long, long time," was the one night I fell asleep on the couch.  I wasn't even on the damn bed, much less sleeping "so close" to him that night!  And the rat bastard didn't even notice!!!

The good housewife side of me was tempted to stay quiet and let the whole thing go.  Let my dear husband have his five seconds of thinking he's still Da Man, with his sweet talk and all that.  But by then the hilarity of the situation and the satisfaction from knowing how instantaneously I could throw his bullshit back at that smug face of his, proved too much for my bitchy side to ignore.  I looked at him, and as if he sensed something was off, he paused and said, "What?"  To which I burst out laughing, jumping up and down with glee (see the sick, perverted things I took pleasure in after years of marriage).  I pointed my finger at him and said, "Ha! Gotcha, Loverboy! I so caught you bullshitting this time!  I wasn't even in the room last night!  I fell asleep on the couch, you moron!"

For those of you who are married, do you remember how it was when you first fall in love with your husband?  What attracted you to him in the first place?  Was it his charming personality?  His looks?  His endearing peculiarities?  His brilliant mind? Was it something he said?

How has it changed (for better or worse) after a few, and years and years of marriage? After becoming parents?  After getting older?  After seeing your husband at his most comfortable, in his natural habitat?