How To Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 2

Continuing from Part 1

*This is a work of fiction, and all names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.  Please do not do this at home.  Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws).  In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.  Viewer's discretion is advised.*

Previously, on How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1, I shared with you a set of lethal moves guaranteed to send Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals (aka the main villain, aka your husband) into exile.

However, do not let your guard down.  It is likely that you will encounter resistance from his sidekicks during or even after you get rid of the main villain.  Part 2 of How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws specifically deals with problematic cronies.  

Usually, sidekicks can be categorized into these four different types: 

• Two-Eyed Shadowless Tyrant (aka Yo Mama), 
• Radioactive Whiskeyjack (aka Yo Papa), 
• Warp Witch Downsizer (aka Yo Sista), and 
• Brain Freeze Headbanger (aka Yo Bro).

This time, to keep the element of surprise, you need to awaken the Superhero in you!   So put on your cape and that sexy thong, and activate the following Superhero Powers:

1) Sound Manipulation and Audiopathy (The ability to telepathically control people's sense of hearing).

Recommended Usage: Practice talking using your best "sex-phone" voice.  Believe me, it's a useful skill to have anyway.  If for some reason, you have no clue as to what I'm talking about, click on the play button below. 

(Link) View more Woman Sound Clips and Sexy Sound Clips

Now, every time your in-laws call, use that voice to tell them they got the wrong number and had dialed a sex phone line instead.  Use your imagination. The sky's the limit.

2) Trichokinesis + Fear Inducement (The power in which one can manipulate their own hair + the power to evoke extreme fear and horror in others).

Recommended Usage: Don't you hate it when you found suspicious-looking hair in your food?  Get the idea?  You don't even need the real nasty thing.  Just collect some from your hairbrush and cut to shorter lengths. Sprinkle them on top of the appetizer, main course, and dessert whenever you invite your in-laws for dinner.  If the hair happens to be curly, even better!

3) Superhuman Spit Detonation and Bolt Breath (The power to alienate anything with spit or your breath)

Recommended Usage: While in a conversation, scoot really close and "accidentally" spit on them. Or talk while your mouth is full so that it sprays all over them.  Repeat as many times as possible. For extra-strength booster, consume garlic, doritos, or goat cheese beforehand.

4) Dimentional Storage/Memory Manipulation (The power to cause objects/organism to vanish and rematerialize at one's will)

Recommended usage: Find pictures of you and your in-laws together.  Crop each picture right in the middle of your in-laws' faces, with your face remaining intact.  Frame these pictures and display them all around the house whenever they come to visit.

5) Electroweb + Illusion Casting (The power to hack into numbers and/or security system + the power to infinitely change their own and others appearances to their liking)

Recommended usage: print "America's Most Wanted" flyers, replacing the photos with those of your in-laws. Distribute and post the flyers around the neighborhoods where your in-laws live.

6) Bioacoustic Distruption/Communication Jammer (The ability to distrupt other's speaking and hearing abilities)

Recommended usage: download the song "Shut Up" by the Black Eyed Peas.  You can either set it as your ringtone, or an alarm feature on your iPod/iPhone.  Prior to meeting your in-laws, make the necessary gadget adjustments.  What you want is for the ringer/alarm to go off whenever your in-law starts talking.  Quickly apologize to your in-law for the "ill-timed" interruption; privately, repeat every single time he/she starts talking.

7) Chromakinesis (The ability to manipulate colors--to change any color to another)

Recommended usage: Buy one of those milk chocolate-themed body lotions (e.g.

Bath & Body Works Temptations Wickedly Hot Chocolate Body Lotion).  Mix it well with a self-tanning lotion (the darker, the better).  Repackage it, then present it as a gift to your in-law.  Wait a few days for results to appear.

8) Amalgamation +Target Eye (The ability to blend into the surroundings by fusing with the surrounding materials + the ability to cause projectiles to home in at what you're seeing)

Recommended Usage: Print this: "Have You Slapped Your Kid Today?" or "I Hate Cops" on a bumper sticker, and stick it on your in-law's car's back bumper.  Stealth is of the utmost importance here.

I wish you the best of luck in your feat.  May the Force be with you.

How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws Part 1

Whenever I'm pissed-off at my husband, my grown-up mind likes to conjure up imaginary--not to mention ingenious, if I do say so myself--ways to get even.  I could be sitting prim and proper in front of him having dinner, while in my head, I would be kicking his bloody arse left and right, kung-fu style.  What's not to like, eh?

In all these hypothetical situations, I'd like to call the heroine (me, that is) 'Unstoppable Jade Fox of Brilliant Mind,' and the villain (that would be my husband, of course) 'Retarded Fox of Questionable Morals.'

Behold followers, I impart to you some of the mighty moves in my Book of "How to Lose a Husband and Alienate Your In-Laws."**  The first part concentrates primarily on the main villain, whereas Part 2 would pretty much take care of his remaining sidekicks.  

**Please do not do this at home.  Unless you're absolutely sure you want to get rid of your husband (and your in-laws).  In that case, you should then follow these instructions verbatim.

1)  I call this move "The Roaring Ambush Fright."  

Damage: nerve damage, temporary blood stoppage to brain, eardrum busted. 

Result: victim may go into a fit or delirium.

You would need at least three alarm clocks for this.  The louder they are, the better.  You can also mix and match.  To give you some ideas on the different types of alarm clocks you can use, I've found this perfect article: 11 Alarm Clocks to Wake the Living Dead, by Kavita Mathur.  

Once you have the alarm clocks of your choice, set the timer of each clock to go off within 5 minutes of each other, starting from the loudest one.  Place them around the room, each one strategically placed just beyond your husband's reach, just after he fell asleep.  

In the morning, make sure you're up before those alarms are set to go off.  Pretend to be busy in the kitchen or if you have the option to be out of the house, even better.  Don't forget to repeat the above steps every other day.

 2)  The "Dreaded Flash Forehead" move.  

Damage: crushed self-image, loss of chutzpah. 

Result: victim will seek immediate hair treatment.

Take pictures of his bald spot, making sure that each one is as vivid and graphic as possible.  Taped them onto his bathroom mirror.  You can also use red marker to circle and draw arrows to further emphasize certain areas with the most hair loss.

>3)  "The Ancient Moon Crush" move.

Damage: spastic movements of Adam's apple, temporary loss of speech, bruised ego.  Result: victim may either go into a jealous fit or straight to a divorce court.

Constantly reminisce about "the one who got away."  Create a scrapbook for your exes and decorate them with words like "true love never dies" or "I wish you weren't in my dreams."  Frame them and put them around the flat screen TV.

4)  The "Double Ox Lift" move.

Damage: loss of breath, extreme embarrassment, crushed ego.

Result: victim may be the subject of office jokes or permanently quit his job.

Buy your husband a support bra for his birthday.  Then throw him a surprise party at the office.  Ask him to unwrap his present in front of his colleagues.  Shout "Surprise!!! They're for your man-boobs!!!"  Don't forget to record the special occasion, and make sure you zoom-in on his face with your video cam. 

5) The "Invisible Shield" move.

Damage: shrinkage of the testicles, blood stoppage to groin area. 

Result: victim may go into a fit or erectile dysfunction.

Insist on wearing a blindfold whenever you're having sex.  Tell him you don't want his face to ruin your "fantasies."  If you want to add insult to injury, you can also listen to you iPod while you're at it.

6) The "Mighty Wiener Chop" move.

Damage: severely broken or bruised ego.

Result: victim may try to enroll in penis enlargement program or seek immediate surgery.  Obsession with rulers may ensue.

Refer to your husband's male organ as "Timi the little Pecker."  Invite your in-laws for dinner, and ask them if "Timi the Little Pecker" is a hereditary thing.        

7) The "Deceptive Mist Hammer" move.  

Damage: bruised or broken nose, teeth knocked out, possible black eye. 

Result: sudden loss of sleep, mental disorientation.

When your husband is sleeping soundly, pretend you were asleep and then "accidentally" whack him in the face.

8)  The "Whooping Hunger Strike" move. 

Damage: hunger pangs, gastric problems, foul mood.

Result: victim may hyperventilate, but could remedy the situation easily by calling take-outs.

Prepare dinner for the kids only.  When your husband asks where is his dinner, tell him you think he needs to go on a diet anyway.

9) The "Drunken Fairy Slap" move.

>Damage: lump in throat and difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, bulging neck veins and arteries.

Result: victim may go into a fit and/or suffer terrible nightmares.

"Accidentally" call your husband by the name of your old flame. Repeat several times a day.  

10) The "Defensive Wind Spirit" move.

Damage: nausea, gagging, general discomfort. 

Result: victim may be unable to breath, or knocked out for several minutes.

Make a habit of farting under the blanket. To help you deliver the most potent kind of gas, here's a list of things you can eat to prepare for your big night: baked beans, brussel sprouts, cheese, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins.

Read part 2 here...