Behind Closed Doors

I was sitting alone, thoughtlessly picking my nose with my pinky finger, when out of the blue, a realization struck me.  Sweaty, what are you doing?  Err, picking my nose.  Would you do the same if your daughter was around?  Um, no.  

Exactly.  You would have used the tissue paper to do it, just like what you taught her to do.

I started to mull over the other things I do behind closed doors; things I often did without thinking.  And I amazed myself with my own self-discovery:

1)  I would pick my nose first with my pinky, then my pointer finger for those hard-to-reach places.  Whenever I scored a big one, I would stick it into a tissue paper and marvel at its size.  Evidence would then be quickly disposed of. 

2)  I make noisy farts.  Instead of holding them in, by increasing the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus, I try to to produce the loudest noise possible.  Bigger sound equals to bigger relief.

3)  I would clean my ear with my pinky finger, look at the earwax trapped in my fingernail closely, then scrape it out before flipping it... anywhere.  

4)  I would squeeze the blackheads on my nose and examined each ones with a degree of satisfaction.  I squealed with glee at my success in removing the big ones.

5)  I would eat things that have fallen (for more than 30 seconds) on the floor or even on the carpet, especially if it's something that I really, really like.

6)  Whenever I pass by a mirror, I would pause, look at my reflection and do this little smiley pose.  Ah, still look presentable.  Then I resume whatever it was I was doing at the time.  I am that vain.

7) Sometimes I would make ugly faces, just to amuse myself.  Some of them turned out pretty ugly, and then I would scare myself.

8)  I would sometimes do some 'sexy' dance moves in front of the mirror, whereby I would then decide I really do look like an idiot, stop, secretly grin at myself that no one sees what I had just done, before resuming whatever I was doing at the time.  It never stops me from trying again another time.

9)  I would have a dialogue with God where I would talk, whine, and plead to Him as if He's there in the room with me.

10)   I would look at old pictures of me and my husband and cry.

11)   I would bury my face on my pillow and cry like a banshee on steroids.

12)   I would lie down on my daybed and just stare at the ceiling.

13)   I would purposely sit with my legs apart--it feels so liberating!

14)  I have a cabinet where I store all my handbags (I am a handbag addict who collects one particular bag, but in different colors and skins).  I would take out each bag one at a time, gently clean it, and admire it from every angle.  Then I would put it back on the shelf and let out a big sigh of contentment.  This girl sure loves her handbags!

Behind closed doors, I behave quite differently than how I would behave when others are present.  I'm not even comparing it to how I behave in public, that just goes without saying.  I don't do these things in front of those closest to me--my mother, my daughter, or my best friends.  Not in front of my husband, in all the years we were together!  

How do you behave behind closed doors?