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Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mission Impossible: "Doomsday Report"
My mind has been completely blank the past few days. For reasons I prefer not to disclose (believe me, you don't want to know, anyway), it's been a really tough week for me. I don't know if you notice, but I'm certainly in a mellow mood. The kind of mood that makes people stay away and look at you suspiciously.
Never a multi-tasker, I'm never good at functioning under duress. My mind tend to zoom in on the impending doom and just refuse to think of anything else. With the exception of eating (bummer, I wish I'm one of those people who "forgets" to eat or lose their appetite when stressed), it's like my mind is systematically shutting down its function one by one: can't think, can't plan, can't concentrate, can't keep up appearances, can't write, can't blog,...
I've attempted to write a post a few days ago and failed miserably. My heart's just not in it. In fact, at the moment my heart is wandering in some infinite space, un-anchored and lost. I'm not good at uncertainties, but then again, which neurotic, OCD, slightly paranoid lady would be good at that, huh? It's a constant struggle in there somewhere... hey, snap out of it!; (pause to take Lord Xanax); wait, wait, wait, you can't just ignore it?!?; f#@k this, I ain't no need of this $#!^!; (pause to take Monsieur Zoloft); but you're basically screwed man!; who the heck cares??!?; (hmm, maybe I need that extra half pill today); am so exhausted yet I can't sleep; (uh huh, time for that date with Mr. Seroquel); and on and on....
I know I'm royally f#@ked when I couldn't even bother to shop. And I watched Water for Elephants yesterday at the cinema. Alone.
It really doesn't take Einstein to notice, really. I don't normally think in terms of expletives, but lately, my mental vocabulary have consisted of nothing but. If you have some creative ones, you're welcomed to add. I'm obviously in need of some clever new ones. Just look at this piece of writing here... grade A, no doubt.
Stay tuned and let's hope I find the off button to the self-destruct mode I'm presently in.
Good evening, Miss Sweat. This tape will self-destruct in...